I met a man who I thought would be my world. I thought we would be happy and perhaps for a time we were. I truly did love that man! looking back I had a lot of periods of depression, however whether that was a sign the relationship would be doomed, who really knows! We planned a life together, though we didn't plan children-at least not at the point at which I fell pregnant with my son. I was in a bubble, thinking I had made it, thinking that this was my path to eternal happiness. I even went on to plan another baby!
He lost someone close to him and I lost myself. Post natal depression took hold of an already depressed woman and that is a very dark place to be. Doing all of the night feeds as well as caring for a toddler who still woke during the night for comfort was also taking a toll on my health. I saw all of his negatives and none of his positives and resentment grew big time. He started to become paranoid that I was having an affair, imagine that! I wasn't minding myself and had 2 young children. he was always at home during the night and yet he believed that I was sneaking men into the house. The house that he was in playing video games. I started letting myself go, mainly due to poor mental health, but also to stop him thinking I was having an affair. I stopped getting my hair done, ditched the razors and just completely let myself go. I just about managed a shower. He also caused me to develop an eating disorder. I stopped eating and lost a fair amount of weight. I hated myself. I lost my friends because of that man.
When I wasn't working I was home with the kids - I went nowhere and saw nobody. If I went nowhere I could not be accused of an affair, right?!
The abuse grew. He would physically assault me, sexually abuse me, verbally abuse me and control my money. At one point I could not even afford socks and the unpaid energy bills grew. He gave up work and my money was now his money. He also took control of my phone. I lost friends and I lost myself. I lost the ability to actually hold a conversation with people and to this day I still detest being in a crowd. I used to be happy and bubbly and yet now, it is my idea of hell. I would rather be alone. It took me years to leave, to move out and take my kids. That was a few months ago!
Looking back I see he was depressed, due to losing someone very important to him however I was extremely depressed at the time that I didn't see it. If I could turn back time I would do a lot different. He will say that I ruined his life, and maybe I did, however for me that relationship was my demise. I feel bad saying that I wish I never met him as without him I would not have my children, however even apart I am still receiving verbally abusive texts. It is a hell I cannot escape from!
I cry most days - because of financial troubles and also because of the torment I experience regularly. I listen to all of the horrible things about myself and about how much of a horrible person I am! But I am the one raising my children, trying to hold down a job, saving to buy a house, packing the lunchboxes, organising the school uniforms and basically trying to keep myself alive when all I want is to fade away into the darkness!
He barely sees his children however in their little minds he is perfect. Although I never want to distort their image of him, he has no problem with their image of me being tarnished. Still to this day I am unable to move on. I still receive verbal abuse and nasty text messages and I cry a lot!
When I look in the mirror I see an ageing woman. I have very bad skin, wrinkles around my eyes and I have zero energy. I have to care for my two kids and try to work, however my ability to work is limited due to childcare issues. My mental health is at rock bottom.
I do not claim to be perfect, I know I am far from perfect. He has caused me to have emotional meltdowns in front of my children and I have hurt him which I am not proud of, however I wish he would see that I am doing my best for my kids and in order to do that I need positive mental health. Even living apart he knows how to get me down. I'm wishing on a star that one day he will learn to let go of his hate, like I have done for him.
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